Mismatched sex drives

So readings come in waves for me.  Sometimes they are all about work.  This time,  they've been about marriages and mismatched sex drives.  I find it so interesting that people from all around the world can come to me with the same problems.

So I talk to them about appetites.  Imagine always being hungry,  you only get to eat once a week.  And even if the food is delicious,  you know you are not getting any more after that.

Or imagine always being overfed.  You are full,  you feel bloated,  and here is another meal - still delicious but now it feels nauseating.  You just don't want to eat! why can't they understand that.

When I put it into food,  people start seeing what I am saying.  There is nothing morally wrong or superior about being always hungry or always full.  It's just a different drive alignment.  The trick is how to handle it within the marriage.  

When I gave this analogy one client said,  yes,  he never lets me get hungry for it! If only I could have the time to get hungry,  we'd both enjoy it more.  And the other client said I always feel like I'm starving and I'm starting to feel resentful.  They could see the picture clearly. 

Now what to do?

Well,  that's a really complicated question and each couple has to come up with it's own answer.  I'm strongly against force feeding!  But some people correlate affection with sex,  and can't have one without the other,  which leaves everyone dissatisfied.  And I do want both parties within the marriage to be satisfied.  Sometimes just having non sexual terms to discuss the issue, makes it less heated and more objective.  Let's start with that and see what individual answers we can find,  without judgement or blame. 

Late night sleeplessness

The New York Times and I are in perfect sync!  I'm sleeping really badly lately and I know my sleep hygiene is not good,  I'm reading too late,  I'm playing my stupid game. But my new bad issue is that I finally fall asleep,  and then I'm wide awake 2 hours later.  That's new and not good at all. 

So I just saw this article in the NYT on I can't Sleep.  Now What?,  which recommends 13 tips, all from experts.  I like the idea of flexing my toes.  Deep breathing never really works for me.  I feel someone else is controlling my breath and my agitation increases rather than decreases.  And listening to boring books/music - that really does work.  So I'm off to practice some new tips and hopefully will start sleeping through the night again.

Funny how something you used to do effortlessly is now hard and requires thought and action!  

Quick update - since writing this I remembered how I used to recommend Suntheanine from Natural Factors,  and it really does work for me.  I don't get a cut if you buy it,  it's just a recommendation.  I have tried other brands,  but the Natural Factors works best for me.  So sleeping better! 

Wishing you a good night's sleep too... 

Retirement

People often come to me when they have times of transition.  One of the bigger transitions people can have is retirement.  All our lives we've had purpose,  reasons to be get out of bed and do things,  and all of a sudden,  we have choices.  For many of us that is unalloyed pleasure,  but for quite a few of us, that's a new and weird hardship.

I had a woman come to me,  she had been both a hard and smart worker,  she was divorced and wealthy with a really comfortable retirement and a paid off apartment.  But she was drawing the 8 of swords. She felt trapped and unhappy and didn't know why. 

She was tempted to go back to work,  but no one wanted to pay her what she felt was her due,  and she would not work for less.  

So we discussed hobbies and interests and giving it time.  But I also said,  people really need purpose. All her life she had been purposeful.  She had been in real estate,  which is a sharks game in New York City,  and had swum with those sharks!  But now she wasn't and that was pulling her down.  She didn't want to volunteer anywhere,  didn't want to do anything she felt demeaning.  

But then I said,  don't think of it as volunteering,  think of it as mentoring.  There are so many young women starting up in real estate,  who would so value an hour a week with you,  talking through their dilemmas,  listening to you.  You could be of real help to them.  And her face lit up.  Yes,  to be helpful, to feel respected,  to participate.  When framed the right way, she found she could volunteer and have purpose.  

I saw her quite a few years ago, and this year she reached out again,  unexpectedly.  She told me that she had given my name out to many, many people,  and that our reading had changed her whole attitude to retirement and given her a much better outcome than she had expected. 

So let yourself be open to new beginnings,  and to new purposes. 

Thought of the day

I read this on threads - someone said that this is what girls have learnt by the time they are 21 -

life is only worth living if you focus on your 

community, hobbies, and small joys

I have to confess that I did not know this when I was 21.  But I definitely know it now.  And how wonderful if young women are realizing it sooner! 

Moving

This is a bit of practical advice from someone who has moved countries several times and houses/apartments even more.

Last time we moved, we were changing countries, so it was a major move!  I booked an airbnb for 3 nights,  so we could pack furiously all day and then go sleep somewhere clean and organized at night.  That made all the difference!  I could pack the kitchen without worrying if we needed it for the next day.  I also cleaned the apartment myself afterwards and frankly,  next time I'm really going to get that professionally done. 

And then we shut the door and flew all the way to Australia.   

I tell people I loved New York passionately, until I didn't.  I was walking the dog at 11 pm just to have some empty space to walk through.  There is no doubt it is more exciting than Sydney,  with better culture and restaurants.  But Sydney is a softer,  saner place to live,  and as I grow older,  that matters more for me than the magnetism of New York.  Everything has it's season. 

Future you

I often say that we should live a life where future you will be grateful to present you.  This can be for huge things - future you is so gratified that you slogged through working fulltime and studying and that degree has really changed your life for the better. 

But it can also be for smaller things - future you is delighted that past you cleaned the kitchen! 

Today,  present me is so happy with past me,  who tidied her bedroom and changed her sheets.  I love having a clean bedroom so much.  So I'm grateful to myself for the efforts of this morning and looking forward to sleeping well tonight. 

Live in a way so that future you is happy with your contributions to your life.  

What to do with rage

I did a reading recently for a woman who just had some severe betrayals in her life - her husband slept with her sister.  But she didn't want to talk about him or even her.  She wanted to talk about what to do with her feelings of rage, which feel all consuming to her. 

Of course she is right to be enraged.  Anyone would be in her circumstances.  But it is also right that she sees that being consumed by rage is not helpful to her.  So in the first instance I said she has to stop focusing on them,  and on their actions, and just focus on her,  on what she is going to do.  

But the second thing I said to her was far more helpful (as she said to me.)  I said that anger/rage is just energy and as she knows what caused it,  it's like an alarm shrieking, making her unable to think clearly,  so now it's time to turn off the alarm and deal with the issue.  

But how to do that?  If  anger/rage is energy,  she has to dissipate that energy.  Go to the gym,  do some kickboxing,  do some anger workshops (beating a pillow with a soft bat,  I've run those workshops,  it really does help)  Don't try to calm yourself without letting go of the energy.  Do furious dancing,  leaping,  running.  Let the energy out.  And then,  only then,  can you think of the next steps. 

She said I was the only one who gave her something she can use.   So I'm happy for that.  I told her to come again in 6 months and we'll see what the future will bring.  In the meantime,  we have to deal with the present,  and get that energy out, so she can fight for herself cleanly and sanely.